Listening is a key skill
Listening is a is a core skill in all counseling and communication models and is a learned skill which can be enhanced (even for those with some natural skill). There are many excellent listening models, although most seem to miss one or more important elements. The Integrative Client Counseling Institute has developed a client counseling listening model specifically for lawyers based on conflict and relationship science principles.
ICCI’s model is Integrative Listening and it seeks to identify all of the relevant elements of listening. It incorporates and harmonizes ideas from listening theories such as active listening, reflective listening, motivational interviewing, nonviolent communication, and mindfulness theory. It also incorporates ideas from biopsychosocial models of human functioning such as Interpersonal Neurobiology, social science research, psychology, attachment theory, and human development science.
CUP of COCOA RNV – the top level elements of listening
- Connect
- Understand
- Presence
- Care
- Observe
- Curiosity
- Open
- Accept
- Reflect (on self and other)
- Nonverbal awareness
Elements of listening
The 10 elements in CUP of COCOA RNV are top level terms. In a sense, they are like a musical scale where each note can be played individually, with different qualities, and in combination with other notes.
One “chord” might be combining presence with observing, curiosity, openness and acceptance. The chord requires energy to sing.
As master therapist Bonnie Badenoch said,
“Agendaless presence is not a passive role.”
Caring is the milk of human kindness
Many listening models put empathy as a top level term. While empathy is powerful tool, a focus on it can be problematic if the professional can’t “feel into” the client’s problem. Empathy is also a confusing term because it is defined many ways. (Empathy is also a potentially dangerous tool if it leads the professional to lose professional distance. ICCI’s Equipoise concept describes this problem and how to avoid the danger.) Care involves concepts such as empathy, compassion, sympathy, perspective taking, warmth, normalizing, and having unconditional positive regard for the client. It also involves kindness.
ICCI includes Care as a top level term because it captures the essence of the other related terms, is a primary source emotion (explained in the Equipoise article), and is one of the top three things which client research has identified is what clients most want from their lawyer.
Integrative Listening
At the core of Integrative Listening, and the Integrative Client-Centered Model (ICCM), is a recognition that most people don’t include certain types of information in their information processing and communication.
Most listeners also don’t recognize what information is being excluded or over-relied on. Some people rely on just a few facts and also the intensity of their feelings. Some people rely more on what seems like a coherent set of facts but not their or others feelings, or contexts and rules that might also be relevant. (In attachment theory and information processing terms, this is sometimes called the defensive exclusion of information or the defensive inclusion/over-reliance of information.)
A key goal of integrative listening is to help the client find the missing information.
Being heard and feeling safe
Another goal is to help the client feel safe and that you are a person they can trust. Only when that happens can clients relax and open their mind to be able to access all the parts their neural system and brain. When people are fearful, their thinking, speaking and listening are necessarily restricted.
When you listening deeply, and the client feels truly heard, the experience triggers a sense in the brain that the client is safe. It creates a sense that someone is in their corner and willing and able to help them.
Simply listening well is the secret ingredient in a client-centered approach.
Generic example
Sometimes clients come to a professional to solve a problem. They have been trying to solve their problem with a certain pattern of information processing which excludes relevant information. From the client’s perspective, all they can see is that the other party is not understanding them. “If only they could see…. I need you, Mr. Professional, to help them see it the right way!” They can’t see that they are in fact not including all the relevant information. The other party might also be defensively excluding information, and that the two parties are simply relying on opposite sets of information and have excluded opposites types of information. These client often assume the professional can solve their problem their way, because of an assumption the professional has better persuasion skills. The reality is that the “problem” is a function of information processing bias. The Conflict Science Institute’s Conflict Model explains these biases in more detail.
Feel it
The next time you feel deeply heard, reflect on why and how being heard makes you feel. Does it help you to relax? Does it help you put your defenses down? Does it help you feel ready to open up to hearing something new? Does it help you be able to finally hear and consider someone else’s advice, or information and perspectives you hadn’t considered before?
Try it
The next time you listen to a client’s story pick one or more of the 10 elements of CUP of COCOA RNV and utilize it more than you ever have before. As clients tell you their story, they will almost always be missing some piece of information or context. See if you can identify what is missing and what the challenges are to having an effective communication between the two of you. See if you can allow and foster the client to fully tell their story before you make any attempt to respond. And then, in the way you respond, see if you can be mindful to what the client is sensitive to and move the conversation forward.
Listening is a first step
While an enhanced listening skill is a powerful communication tool for professionals, knowing what to listen for and knowing how to help a client move to a new understanding of their issues are additional goals in the counseling process.
ICCI trainings
ICCI offers training programs in client counseling, client communication, conflict psychology and more. Upcoming programs are available on the trainings page.